Hello, everyone. I posted this on the ex Scientology Kids site, but I have no idea how active any of these boards are. Posting here too because, well, I guess I just need a friend or something. :'(
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Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting like this anywhere. And it terrifies me.
I went to Delphi as a kid. I learned a lot. My parents were public Scientologists. I had a good childhood.
I joined staff at a local org when I was 17. I married someone far too old for me when I was 19. It was seven years before I finally divorced him.
I ate, lived, and breathed the Tech. I trained hard and I trained well. I knew there were things that weren't right, but always in the back of my mind I thought, "If I can just get everyone else to apply standard Tech/Policy, everything will be all right."
For years I tried to put in Ethics, Tech and Admin, to no avail. I watched my own org suffer and felt helpless to repair the things that I knew were wrong with it.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer while on OT7 and was never allowed back at Flag. I remember calling her DofP at Flag and grilling her for hours, trying to figure out if standard repair actions were done. She insisted that Standard Tech was applied. I finally relented, but the terrible handling of my mother's illness and death was probably a major turning point for me, even though I would never have admitted it at the time.
My father's sociopathic narcissism came into full view after my mother's death. One terrible example was how he slept with a young woman (who was my age) while my mother's ashes, undisposed of, sat in an urn in the next room. My grief and anger knew no bounds, but I could never get anyone at the church to see the real him. Because, of course, he is one of the good guys, an OT8 who has donated so much.
I quietly drifted away from the church. I took a course here and there, go to an event every now and then. The idea of coming out fully with any of the insider information I have terrifies me. Without saying too much, I can say that if I were to publicly denounce Scientology, I would have SO MUCH to lose.
I've been struggling with betrayal, grief and fear. I think I have Post Cult Trauma Syndrome, and I need help, but I am still terrified to call a doctor (because of course, psychologists are "evil"). My non-Scientology friends are very supportive. They don't know exactly what's wrong, but they gently urge me to talk to a doctor. They say the first call is the hardest thing, and once I find someone I can talk to, everything will be fine.
I'm 35 years old, have a loving family of my own now, and yet I feel frightened and alone. I can talk a bit to my non-Scientology husband, but I don't think he'd ever really understand the extent of what I feel. I obviously can't talk to any Scientologist friends, and I don't know how to reach my own disconnected friends who left years ago. And I know I ought to call up a doctor and see if they know some specialist to refer me to, but I'm paralyzed. It's stupid, and I know it. But I also feel stupid for not taking a stand long ago.
I don't know if I'm a Scientologist anymore or not. I don't think so, but at the same time, I cant give up this thing that's been a part of me for so long. I know I need help but I just sit here, unable to move.
Post Cult Trauma
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Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting like this anywhere. And it terrifies me.
I went to Delphi as a kid. I learned a lot. My parents were public Scientologists. I had a good childhood.
I joined staff at a local org when I was 17. I married someone far too old for me when I was 19. It was seven years before I finally divorced him.
I ate, lived, and breathed the Tech. I trained hard and I trained well. I knew there were things that weren't right, but always in the back of my mind I thought, "If I can just get everyone else to apply standard Tech/Policy, everything will be all right."
For years I tried to put in Ethics, Tech and Admin, to no avail. I watched my own org suffer and felt helpless to repair the things that I knew were wrong with it.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer while on OT7 and was never allowed back at Flag. I remember calling her DofP at Flag and grilling her for hours, trying to figure out if standard repair actions were done. She insisted that Standard Tech was applied. I finally relented, but the terrible handling of my mother's illness and death was probably a major turning point for me, even though I would never have admitted it at the time.
My father's sociopathic narcissism came into full view after my mother's death. One terrible example was how he slept with a young woman (who was my age) while my mother's ashes, undisposed of, sat in an urn in the next room. My grief and anger knew no bounds, but I could never get anyone at the church to see the real him. Because, of course, he is one of the good guys, an OT8 who has donated so much.
I quietly drifted away from the church. I took a course here and there, go to an event every now and then. The idea of coming out fully with any of the insider information I have terrifies me. Without saying too much, I can say that if I were to publicly denounce Scientology, I would have SO MUCH to lose.
I've been struggling with betrayal, grief and fear. I think I have Post Cult Trauma Syndrome, and I need help, but I am still terrified to call a doctor (because of course, psychologists are "evil"). My non-Scientology friends are very supportive. They don't know exactly what's wrong, but they gently urge me to talk to a doctor. They say the first call is the hardest thing, and once I find someone I can talk to, everything will be fine.
I'm 35 years old, have a loving family of my own now, and yet I feel frightened and alone. I can talk a bit to my non-Scientology husband, but I don't think he'd ever really understand the extent of what I feel. I obviously can't talk to any Scientologist friends, and I don't know how to reach my own disconnected friends who left years ago. And I know I ought to call up a doctor and see if they know some specialist to refer me to, but I'm paralyzed. It's stupid, and I know it. But I also feel stupid for not taking a stand long ago.
I don't know if I'm a Scientologist anymore or not. I don't think so, but at the same time, I cant give up this thing that's been a part of me for so long. I know I need help but I just sit here, unable to move.
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