Hello, everyone!
I'm pretty nervous to be here, since I am not totally "out." Though my husband hasn't been actively going on course or getting auditing for ages, and has a bit of a grudge with the people at the org because of how I've been treated lately, he still certainly considers himself a Scientologist, and his ex-wife, also a Scientologist, takes my 6-year-old step-daughter to the org every week for auditing. I'm very, very much in love and love my life with him, and am pregnant with his child, so leaving him is not at all an option in my mind, and I'm still trying to work out how we're going to balance things when I tell him that I don't intend to go Clear.
Here's my story: Several years back, I read Dianetics and wandered into my local Class V org and (against all better judgment) started taking courses. I was almost instantly scooped up for staff. My mission in life was to help people and help foster a compassionate planet, and the recruiter sold me on how I could do that through auditing. I agreed on the condition that I could keep attending college, and so work at the org part-time. Little did I know, there is no such thing as a part-time staff member!! I was pressured to join the SO shortly thereafter, and when I insisted that I wouldn't do that because my dream was to excel in the field I was studying at college, my dreams were belittled and insulted. Obviously I wasn't meant to be here and not committed to the human race if I didn't join the Sea Org. Only a couple weeks after joining staff, I felt so insulted and degraded that I left the org one day in tears (the first time I left post crying, but definitely not the last), and my now-husband, then-friend had to calm me down.
I was put on the TTC right away (which, when I originated wanting to route off this summer, I was told was something I didn't deserve by a CLO mission--because we all know that anyone who wants to leave is doing so because of their own "overts"), which unfortunately involves the most humiliating thing I have had to do in this life: fill out a Life History, something I'm sure many of you have, too. I've identified as bisexual since I was fairly young, and have had some romantic relationships with other women. The Life History requires you to note all of your sexual partners and describe what occurred, so I made note of these women, thinking that the stuff about gays and lesbians being perverts in Dianetics couldn't possibly still be the general opinion of Scientologists, since it was written in the fifties, in the midst of rampant homophobia. I was very wrong! And I was made very wrong for my past relationships, and was pressured into writing a statement saying that I believed what I had done was wrong and promised to never do it again.
I then made the horrible mistake of catching a bad flu a couple months in. This was when I really started to feel like I'd made the wrong decision. Not only does being sick mean hours and hours of auditing, weeks in Ethics, and the month-long PTS/SP Course, but my parents (who were nothing but supportive of my interest in Scientology, bless them) were constantly accused by other staff members as being possible SPs, and I was blasted for unethically taking a couple sick days to rest and recover ("care of the body," right?). Things got progressively worse: I felt so pressured to be a full-time staff member that I dropped out of college (which I regret doing now); as Tech staff, I couldn't spend any holidays with my family for a couple years, and I got blasted when I finally couldn't take it anymore and went on holiday; etc. etc. There's nothing "normal" about working at an org. I regret all the recruitment cycles I've been involved in. :(
When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to disengage from the Church. I don't want my child growing up in that sort of environment or getting pressured to join staff or the SO. A lot of the Scientology kids I know are pretty out of control because they're treated like adults, given all the privileges of adulthood but without any of the responsibility, or any discipline. I don't want that. And when I wanted to leave staff and said that I really couldn't come in session (my body is on the fritz and I'm literally never "meterable"), I was again ridiculed, and still have staff members banging on my door and calling me at all hours, trying to drag me back to the org. Part of me almost wants to think it's part of my penance for all the times I harassed students, as a Supervisor, who didn't show up on time, were out of comm, or were absent, calling them several times a day, leaving rude texts because my seniors told me to put the heat on them and get them in or I would get a Cram, etc. I feel pretty badly about all that.
tl;dr: Ex-Class V, still working my way out, husband is still in, don't really know what to do. I'm in for a big ol' Ethics handling if I go back into the org for being so "out of comm," that's for sure. If anyone has any advice on how to start talking to your spouse about leaving, please let me know! I'd love to hear your story.
Realizing my mistakes in placing my trust in them
I'm pretty nervous to be here, since I am not totally "out." Though my husband hasn't been actively going on course or getting auditing for ages, and has a bit of a grudge with the people at the org because of how I've been treated lately, he still certainly considers himself a Scientologist, and his ex-wife, also a Scientologist, takes my 6-year-old step-daughter to the org every week for auditing. I'm very, very much in love and love my life with him, and am pregnant with his child, so leaving him is not at all an option in my mind, and I'm still trying to work out how we're going to balance things when I tell him that I don't intend to go Clear.
Here's my story: Several years back, I read Dianetics and wandered into my local Class V org and (against all better judgment) started taking courses. I was almost instantly scooped up for staff. My mission in life was to help people and help foster a compassionate planet, and the recruiter sold me on how I could do that through auditing. I agreed on the condition that I could keep attending college, and so work at the org part-time. Little did I know, there is no such thing as a part-time staff member!! I was pressured to join the SO shortly thereafter, and when I insisted that I wouldn't do that because my dream was to excel in the field I was studying at college, my dreams were belittled and insulted. Obviously I wasn't meant to be here and not committed to the human race if I didn't join the Sea Org. Only a couple weeks after joining staff, I felt so insulted and degraded that I left the org one day in tears (the first time I left post crying, but definitely not the last), and my now-husband, then-friend had to calm me down.
I was put on the TTC right away (which, when I originated wanting to route off this summer, I was told was something I didn't deserve by a CLO mission--because we all know that anyone who wants to leave is doing so because of their own "overts"), which unfortunately involves the most humiliating thing I have had to do in this life: fill out a Life History, something I'm sure many of you have, too. I've identified as bisexual since I was fairly young, and have had some romantic relationships with other women. The Life History requires you to note all of your sexual partners and describe what occurred, so I made note of these women, thinking that the stuff about gays and lesbians being perverts in Dianetics couldn't possibly still be the general opinion of Scientologists, since it was written in the fifties, in the midst of rampant homophobia. I was very wrong! And I was made very wrong for my past relationships, and was pressured into writing a statement saying that I believed what I had done was wrong and promised to never do it again.
I then made the horrible mistake of catching a bad flu a couple months in. This was when I really started to feel like I'd made the wrong decision. Not only does being sick mean hours and hours of auditing, weeks in Ethics, and the month-long PTS/SP Course, but my parents (who were nothing but supportive of my interest in Scientology, bless them) were constantly accused by other staff members as being possible SPs, and I was blasted for unethically taking a couple sick days to rest and recover ("care of the body," right?). Things got progressively worse: I felt so pressured to be a full-time staff member that I dropped out of college (which I regret doing now); as Tech staff, I couldn't spend any holidays with my family for a couple years, and I got blasted when I finally couldn't take it anymore and went on holiday; etc. etc. There's nothing "normal" about working at an org. I regret all the recruitment cycles I've been involved in. :(
When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to disengage from the Church. I don't want my child growing up in that sort of environment or getting pressured to join staff or the SO. A lot of the Scientology kids I know are pretty out of control because they're treated like adults, given all the privileges of adulthood but without any of the responsibility, or any discipline. I don't want that. And when I wanted to leave staff and said that I really couldn't come in session (my body is on the fritz and I'm literally never "meterable"), I was again ridiculed, and still have staff members banging on my door and calling me at all hours, trying to drag me back to the org. Part of me almost wants to think it's part of my penance for all the times I harassed students, as a Supervisor, who didn't show up on time, were out of comm, or were absent, calling them several times a day, leaving rude texts because my seniors told me to put the heat on them and get them in or I would get a Cram, etc. I feel pretty badly about all that.
tl;dr: Ex-Class V, still working my way out, husband is still in, don't really know what to do. I'm in for a big ol' Ethics handling if I go back into the org for being so "out of comm," that's for sure. If anyone has any advice on how to start talking to your spouse about leaving, please let me know! I'd love to hear your story.
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